NCAA President Mark Emmert Assures Player Safety is “Top Priority” Announcing Fall Sports Will Be Played While Standing on a Pile of Money

INDIANAPOLIS — The NCAA’s Sport Science Institute, an NCAA entity that we can only assume was created earlier this week as some sort of tax-evading money-laundering operation, detailed its coronavirus guidelines on Friday morning in an effort to help schools figure out how they can safely conduct athletic events this fall. These “best practices” notably […]

OJ Simpson Leads By Example Pledges Record Donation of Face Coverings and Gloves

LAS VEGAS — The second surge of COVID-19 cases appears to now be in full-swing in the US, a reality the state of Nevada is just beginning to grapple with. The state reported 381 new COVID-19 cases in the past day, and had its five highest days of  COVID-19 cases in the past two weeks. […]

DeSean Jackson Issues Apology for Anti-Semitic Post: “In the words of Mussolini, ‘Mea Culpa'”

PHILADELPHIA — Popular Philadelphia Eagles wide receiver DeSean Jackson found himself in hot “wutter” last week after posting a quote attributed to Adolf Hitler on his Instagram story. The quote read: “[Jews] will blackmail America. [They] will extort America, their plan for world domination won’t work if the Negroes know who they were.” The excerpt […]

Chris Lilley Furious He Didn’t Think of ‘Joe Exotic’ First

MELBOURNE – Stuck in quarantine and starved for any entertainment that isn’t staring at your phone watching people do push-ups on Instagram is a recipe for success for any reality TV show. But throw in a gun-toting, tiger-owning, homosexual polygamist from Oklahoma charged for conspiring to commit murder? That’s a perfect storm of content. That perfect storm […]

‘Woah…’ Whispers Confused 311 Fan Trying to Figure Out How Sign Language Interpreter Can Hear the Music

LAS VEGAS – Fans from around the world (Vermont and Washington) descended upon Las Vegas, Nevada Wednesday evening to attend the 21st annual 311 Day Festival, a celebration created by the band themselves and that lasts for more days than just March 11th. Local Las Vegans (citizens, not a way of saying ‘the vegans’ in […]

Houston Astros Unveil Alternate Jerseys for 2020 Season

HOUSTON – Earlier today in a press conference outside of their Spring Training facility in Palm Spring, Florida, the Houston Astros front office revealed the design of the team’s 2020 alternate jerseys to a room of select local and national reporters. “Today marks a new and exciting chapter in the long and storied history of […]

Men Under 5’10” Rejoice After Cleveland Radio Host Labels Baker Mayfield a, “Fucking Midget”

CLEVELAND, Ohio – Tony Grossi was suspended indefinitely today after making disparaging remarks about Browns quarterback Baker Mayfield. Going into a break during his radio show with Tony Rizzo, Grossi was griping near a microphone he assumed was off about the quarterbacks the Browns have missed out on, and are now left with, “a fucking […]