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15,879 Men Arrested After Boston Police Department Release Artist’s Interpretation of Suspect Who Threw a Water Bottle at Kyrie Irving

BOSTON — It was a busy Memorial Day of police work for Boston’s finest, an unwelcome change among the force who are used to celebrating the holiday monitoring fake construction sites to earn time and a half pay. Instead, the men and women of Boston’s Police Department spent the day raiding the neighborhoods of Southie, […]

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Kirk Cousins Shocked to Learn Anybody Cares What He Thinks About Anything

MINNEAPOLIS — The Twitter-sphere was set ablaze Wednesday morning after hearing Minnesota Vikings quarterback Kirk Cousins is taking a “survival of the fittest” approach to COVID-19. “I want to respect what other people’s concerns are. For me personally, just talking no one else can get the virus, what is your concern if you could get […]

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Person Who Never Watches the NBA Vows to Never Watch the NBA Again

MILWAUKEE — The Milwaukee Bucks announced that they would not be playing in their Game 5 matchup against the Orlando Magic on Wednesday night in an act of solidarity with those fighting for racial justice after the shooting of Jacob Blake in Kenosha, WI over the weekend. Moments before the game was scheduled to tip-off, […]

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University of Nebraska Reminds Country They Still Play Football By Asking For Permission to Play Football

LINCOLN — The University of Nebraska did not mince words when first-year Big Ten Commissioner Kevin Warren announced on Tuesday that the conference was cancelling all athletic activities this Fall. “We’re very disappointed with the [Big Ten’s] decision,” the university said in a statement released on Tuesday afternoon. “We hope it may be possible for […]

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NCAA President Mark Emmert Assures Player Safety is “Top Priority” Announcing Fall Sports Will Be Played While Standing on a Pile of Money

INDIANAPOLIS — The NCAA’s Sport Science Institute, an NCAA entity that we can only assume was created earlier this week as some sort of tax-evading money-laundering operation, detailed its coronavirus guidelines on Friday morning in an effort to help schools figure out how they can safely conduct athletic events this fall. These “best practices” notably […]

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OJ Simpson Leads By Example Pledges Record Donation of Face Coverings and Gloves

LAS VEGAS — The second surge of COVID-19 cases appears to now be in full-swing in the US, a reality the state of Nevada is just beginning to grapple with. The state reported 381 new COVID-19 cases in the past day, and had its five highest days of  COVID-19 cases in the past two weeks. […]

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DeSean Jackson Issues Apology for Anti-Semitic Post: “In the words of Mussolini, ‘Mea Culpa'”

PHILADELPHIA — Popular Philadelphia Eagles wide receiver DeSean Jackson found himself in hot “wutter” last week after posting a quote attributed to Adolf Hitler on his Instagram story. The quote read: “[Jews] will blackmail America. [They] will extort America, their plan for world domination won’t work if the Negroes know who they were.” The excerpt […]

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Dan Snyder Proposes Renaming Redskins “Washington Hickories” in Tribute to Andrew Jackson

WASHINGTON D.C. — The Washington Redskins team owner Daniel Snyder announced earlier today that the team would be moving on from the “Redskins” team name and logo after thorough review of… maybe a week. Fans of the team and the NFL have been calling for the team to change their name and logo for years, […]

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NASCAR Fans Disappointed Noose Found in Bubba Wallace’s Garage Was Not Deemed a Racist Act

TALLADEGA — The FBI announced Tuesday night after completing their investigation that the noose found in Bubba Wallace’s garage over the weekend at Talladega Superspeedway was not a targeted racial act or hate crime. The noose in question, according to the FBI’s findings, is a manual pulley mechanism used to shut the garage door, and […]

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Swing and a Miss: MLB Owners Honor Juneteenth by Proposing Players Play Shortened Season for Free

PHOENIX — The chances that a shortened MLB season is played this year seems about as likely as Sammy Sosa putting on 30 pounds of muscle when he arrived in Chicago because he finally removed a wisdom tooth that had been preventing him from eating his entire life. Tensions between MLB Owners, Commissioner Rob Manfred, […]

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Joe Burrow Spotted Sporting 16″ Hands Prior to NFL Draft

ZOOM — The 2020 NFL Draft is virtually taking place for the first time ever tonight at 8:00pm EST due to the national COVID-19 pandemic. The primary party impacted by this shift to a digital experience will, unfortunately, be the players, who for the first time in the league’s history won’t feel the exhilaration of […]

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BREAKING: Ska Dies From COVID-19 Related Complications

NEW YORK — Ska passed away alone in its home on Tuesday night from complications related to the coronavirus. The genre was on its last legs and many proclaimed it dead years ago, but re-runs of Basketball and Streetlight Manifesto’s reunion were enough to keep the music going for a few years longer than it […]

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Animal Crossing Community Disturbed by Nintendo’s Announcement of Veteran’s Day Special Character “Vinny from Vietnam” Following Bunny Day Misstep

KYOTO — Imagine a world with no work, monotony, mundane assignments or water cooler talk. Instead of commuting to work, you simply run around your local area lending a hand to your neighbors and working together to clean and build up your newly developing community. Instead of a paycheck hitting on the first and fifteenth […]

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Scott Stapp Performs Entire Set Before Being Told Opening Day Was Cancelled

MIAMI — The reality of the coronavirus hit home a little harder today as baseball fans across the country woefully remembered that today was supposed to be Opening Day for the 2020 MLB season. Instead of flocking to ballparks to watch their favorite teams smack a few dingers and eat a $13 18in. hot dog […]

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Chris Lilley Furious He Didn’t Think of ‘Joe Exotic’ First

MELBOURNE – Stuck in quarantine and starved for any entertainment that isn’t staring at your phone watching people do push-ups on Instagram is a recipe for success for any reality TV show. But throw in a gun-toting, tiger-owning, homosexual polygamist from Oklahoma charged for conspiring to commit murder? That’s a perfect storm of content. That perfect storm […]

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‘Woah…’ Whispers Confused 311 Fan Trying to Figure Out How Sign Language Interpreter Can Hear the Music

LAS VEGAS – Fans from around the world (Vermont and Washington) descended upon Las Vegas, Nevada Wednesday evening to attend the 21st annual 311 Day Festival, a celebration created by the band themselves and that lasts for more days than just March 11th. Local Las Vegans (citizens, not a way of saying ‘the vegans’ in […]

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Houston Astros Unveil Alternate Jerseys for 2020 Season

HOUSTON – Earlier today in a press conference outside of their Spring Training facility in Palm Spring, Florida, the Houston Astros front office revealed the design of the team’s 2020 alternate jerseys to a room of select local and national reporters. “Today marks a new and exciting chapter in the long and storied history of […]

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Men Under 5’10” Rejoice After Cleveland Radio Host Labels Baker Mayfield a, “Fucking Midget”

CLEVELAND, Ohio – Tony Grossi was suspended indefinitely today after making disparaging remarks about Browns quarterback Baker Mayfield. Going into a break during his radio show with Tony Rizzo, Grossi was griping near a microphone he assumed was off about the quarterbacks the Browns have missed out on, and are now left with, “a fucking […]

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At 4:15am EST, the USA Men’s Curling Team Made History

I honestly don’t know what to say. Partly that’s because I’ve been slamming gin all night, but more so because I didn’t really believe this could happen. Our Curling Team just went from 2-4 to the gold medal in seemingly the blink of an eye. The match was close the entire night, but the US […]

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At 1:35am Tonight, the USA Men’s Curling Team Will Make History

Well, this is it folks. Tonight at 1:35am, as some bars begin turning the lights on for last call, Team Shuster and the US Men’s Curling team will take the ice for the last time in these 2018 Olympic Games. This time, though, they play for a chance to go home Olympic Champions for the […]